How to Dance with Fear: 6 Steps to Turn It Into Your Ally
An article by Mickey Feher.
Fear has been my best advisor. But not in the way you think.
That night, it was already getting dark. We were climbing a steep hill with heavy backpacks. Out of breath, we were 6,000 meters high in the Tibetan Mountains. We had to cross streams several times, and I lost my balance on a shaky piece of wood, stepping into the ice-cold water in my hiking boots. The weather up there is tricky; it’s warm during the day but turns ice-cold by evening and especially at night.
We finally reached the small houses that were supposed to offer shelter for pilgrims. They were in terrible condition—the windows were broken, the doors ripped out, and there were large bones scattered across the floor. It looked pretty scary. I asked our guide and mentor what the bones were. He said, "The leopards must have eaten a sheep here." Leopards? That was new to me—we hadn’t discussed them when planning our hike and stay at this outpost.
We set up camp and lit a fire in front of the house. There was no other choice. One part of our team decided to go back to the town the next morning—about a day's walk away. They didn’t want to stay, fearing the leopards and the state of the house. The three of us stayed. I had already planned to spend the night alone in a cave. Along the way, we passed a cave that had been inhabited by a pilgrim—or more accurately, a yogi who lived there for an extended time. The cave had a wooden second floor, and a ladder with spikes on each side led up to it. I guess the yogi figured it was safer to sleep up there in case a leopard decided to check in and try the dried yak meat most people survive on in this region.
In addition to yak meat, people eat zampa—flour mixed with black tea and milk. You drink the tea, and a cheesy substance remains. You roll it into a small ball and eat it. That's one of the three main types of food available in Tibet.
I decided to split off from the group and spend the night alone in the cave. That night, I learned to dance with my fear. It was terrifying but also heart-lifting. I spent most of the night awake, meditating and harmonizing with the sounds of the wilderness—the animals, birds, and the river flowing somewhere down in the valley.
That night, I learned that one cannot resist fear. The key is to welcome and acknowledge it without being overtaken by it.
That Leopard may be in your head.
I remembered how often fear had signaled to me when I needed to push beyond my comfort zone and make a crucial, life-changing decision. The misleading part about fear is that it often presents itself in hard-to-swallow forms, misleading you if you don’t understand the deeper meaning of what’s going on in your most important battleground: your MINDSET. In addition to making things more challenging, I often sought external support in those moments, and I almost always received advice not to do what I was considering. But that advice turned out to be wrong. Instead, I learned that I had to paradoxically follow my fear and do what I wanted to do, despite it. Almost every one of those decisions was pivotal in my growth and development, moving me to the next level. That’s why I call fear my best advisor.
I can recall many of these moments…
When I was 16, nervous about speaking in front of an audience, I decided to speak up during a school assembly when certain values I believed in were under attack. That day, I discovered that I loved public speaking and was good at it—but only after I embraced the cold sweat on my face and did what I feared.
I was scared to live in another country, but I decided to study abroad at 19. Most people who loved me told me not to go. I went and I came back a different person. It was an amazing adventure that taught me so much.
I wanted to be a receptionist, but I became a salesperson. Many people said that sales wasn’t for me—it was commission-based, risky. But in 3 months, my salary was three to five times higher than a receptionist’s fixed salary.
I wanted to quit my well-paying job and become an entrepreneur, despite the fear and uncertainty. I had two small kids and left the security of a job for a vision and dream. It paid off, and I built a successful organizational development consultancy. I have reached the next level of self-actualization in my life.
I wanted to go to Tibet and study meditation, despite the chaos surrounding it. I had a panic attack around that time, and my therapist said I was crazy for telling myself I had to go. Even my father warned me it was too dangerous. But I went, and it became one of the most meaningful and transformative experiences of my life. Without it, I wouldn’t be writing this blog.
Finally, when I was 43, I moved to another country with my family. I had two small kids. It was transformational for all of us, and with all the challenges, it has also brought us to the next level as a family and as individuals.
I want to share with you what I learned about “learning to dance with my fear” and how you can do the same.
Here are my 6 STEPS TO MAKE YOUR DEMON INTO A MENTOR (C.A.L.M.E.R.):
1. C - Check-in with the feeling in your body and mind. Fear usually starts as bodily sensations: your heart racing, difficulty breathing, palpitations, sudden temperature changes, cold sweats. Just accept it as something beyond your control. Greet it as a visitor.
2. A - Allow the feeling to unfold. If possible, lie down on a hard floor and feel how solid the ground beneath you is. Let the sensation move through you. Surrender to it without getting lost in it or trying to forcefully resist it.
3. L - Let go of resistance and judgment. When you try to resist, you’ll tense up, and the sensation will worsen. Just give yourself a metaphorical hug and say, "It's okay. I'm here."
4. M - Mindfully acknowledge the feeling without being swept away. Embracing fear doesn’t mean giving up. The key is to allow it to be present, much like you allow rain to fall on your skin. Let it come and let it go. Imagine that your feelings and thoughts are like trains at a station—they come and go. You don’t have to get on the train, just notice it arriving and departing.
5. E - Experience the fluidity of the feelings. As you allow the feeling to move through you like a dance movement, you may find peace. Like in dance, there’s always the next movement. Fear’s power over you may diminish. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed.
6. R - Reflect on the message fear is trying to give you. If you feel ready, ask yourself what your body and mind are trying to tell you. Often, there’s a deeper, positive message coming through the feeling. What’s the message? Welcome it.
Be grateful for your capability to dance with your fear and learn from it. Slowly settle back and move on. If you have experienced fear or panic due to a decision you must make, hold that question or decision for a while. The right choice will come to you in a few hours or the next morning.
This 7-step model is great for making better decisions and dealing with strong negative feelings like fear and panic. I hope it will be useful for your practice! And practice it, you must. Expect that you will have to do this multiple times, as a habit, before you become great at dancing with your fear and reaching a new level of courage.
Whether you're leading a team, launching a bold initiative, or navigating uncertainty, fear will always be present. The question is not how to get rid of it, but how to work with it.
Leaders who learn to acknowledge fear — without letting it run the show — build trust, courage, and clarity in themselves and those they lead. The CALMER approach isn’t just for high-altitude climbs; it’s for high-stakes meetings, hard conversations, and every moment you choose to step into the unknown.”